Musings of My Mind

I Think I'll Call It Morning

2011-06-04T00:26:00.001-04:00

I'm gonna take myself a piece of sunshine
And paint it all over my sky
Be no rain..
Be no rain..

I'm gonna take the song from every bird
And make em sing it just for me
Bird's got something to teach us all
About being free, yeah
Be no rain..
Be no rain..

And I think I'll call it morning
From now on
Why should I survive on sadness
And tell myself I got to be alone
Why should I subscribe to this world's madness
All lyrics www.allthelyrics.com
Knowing that I've got to live on ( 3 times)
Yeah I think I'll call it morning
From now on

I'm gonna take myself a piece of sunshine
And paint it all over my sky
Be no rain..
Be no rain..

I'm gonna take the song from every bird
and make em sing it just for me
Cause why should I hang my head
Why should I let tears fall from my eyes
When I've seen everything there is to see
And I know there is no sense in crying
I know there ain't no sense in crying
Yeah I think I'll call it morning
From now on
I'll call it morning from now on, yeah

Cause there ain't gonna be no rain
be no rain
be no rain
from now on...

Rest in Peace, Gil Scott-Heron.

Finally

2011-05-21T00:09:00.001-04:00

You know, before I come knocking...unnanounced like a thief in the night with excuses, I'll just open with this quote from the great late Ralph Ellison on a gift/curse:

Well, I write sometimes with great facility but I question it; and I have a certain distrust of the easy flow of words and I have to put it aside and wait and see if it's really meaningful and if it holds up. It's an inefficient way of working, but it seems to be my way.

Just one of the millions of reasons I'm in love with the man. His breath-taking ability to cogently capture the thoughts I think without surrendering their je ne sais quoi-ness nevers leaves me short of amazed. But this post is re: something different. Trust, I have oodles of opining I've been doing but henceforth you can reference the quote above to see why I'm soooo slow. Labors and lamentations of love for truth indeed.

So the internet, media and world over are going nuts with speculations, ridicule and hopeful anticipation (albeit in the minority) of the predicted rapture supposed to come through and crush the planet manana. (Link included for posterity purposes.) As there's more than enough scorn being heaped upon Camping's crew, I'll refrain from my own stone-throwing. But I am interested in the concept of apocalyptic prophesies and just why individuals find welcome in the prospect of the end of mankind.

Some proposed explanations include that those who embrace "The Rapture" lead insignificant or unhappy lives and don't have much to look forward to in the event there's no such thing. On a larger scale, some look to "today's" events as a sign of the moral decline of humankind and reckon that our continued existence is but a hallmark of hubris, that we simply carve deeper and deeper into Babylonian wretchedness. Just a quick glance at the news would probably vindicate some of these claims. Record breaking havoc wreaked by "natural" disasters, the seeming increase of senseless (familial) violence, increased discord, revolutionary conflicts, and other Revelations-according events seem to be ringing true, at least in a general sense.

But even if one were to concede that these things are in fact "Apocalyptic," are they any more true today than they have been since the dawn of history (i.e. since we've been able to record the actions of mankind?)

And still, at what points throughout history have societies not contended with massively destructive deities? Although we're the beneficiaries of hindsight and accede that science has unveiled many of the great mysteries past civilizations lacked the tools to explore, we forget that it tells us "how," but very rarely "why." With the progress we've made in understanding the Earth's physical/chemical and other vital properties, there are still many looming questions that remain beyond our comprehension, at least for now.

And so emerges this pseudo-debate over whether there is something that is benevolent, perennial and all-powerful that presides over our world and those we'll never experience, or if there's nothing at all. I call it a pseudo-debate because it, like many of the questions we ask ourselves posits a false dichotomy, every question is reducto ad absurdum (If x exists, y can't...or since y exists, there is no x- there are plenty of examples in the debate over theism versus atheism so I'll leave the variables). Funnily enough, in addition to negating other possibilities, there's also a weird insistence on the certainty and strict adherence to the either/or principle that even science doesn't follow. Science is not an arbiter so much as an explorer. And empirical evidence is limited by our senses and instruments that we can devise to observe and measure phenomena we can't directly experience. Even that rests upon a set of rules we define (and hopefully modify without persecuting the usurper) as we encounter new ways to explore our environment. Obviously, we place a premium on evidence and accept "laws" as well-supported or as the best (Occam's razor) explanands until something better fits the data, but this is almost always an a posteriori practice, not a priori. In short, we don't start with explanations, but hypotheses. As we gather evidence or figure out ways to describe regularities, we come up with explanations and continue to test them and fine-tune.

That wasn't a digression, it was an abstraction of smaller principles to overarching and under-girding standards our current society employs to dissect what we "believe," what we "know," and how we know it. Scout's honor. But back to the lecture at hand...

What is the value of uncertainty? Not just an utterance of "I don't know," but a more forceful declaration that "I, nor you can know!" with regards to the debate over a great Creator (not you Tyler). Does it bear consequences for a teleological view of humankind? Even as I'm typing this I'm wondering, how does the concept of the great human project play out for the individual psyche? For that of humankind?

Notwithstanding great "wars" and self (or mutual if you want to be technical)-inflicted destruction mankind inflicts, we generally experience mass epidemics, viruses, illnesses, and other catastrophic one-time-hits-all events that eliminate a significant amount of our population. Even science says that the Earth's patterns (even ignoring climate change) portend an eventual end of the homo sapien. Is there an imprisoning effect to accepting that there is in fact an End, no matter who/what delivers the parcel? Speaking on a larger scale, it's slightly more comforting to think of our shared mortality-but what about your own? My own?

While I could definitely go on and on and on (but who cares? :)), these aren't questions I already have the answers to so I'll spare further rambling. I will say though, there is something I find freeing in my refusal to play heads or tails on such a cosmic question. I picked the song by Kings of Tomorrow not only because it's awesome, but Julie McKnight's first verse about how "Time marches on never ending, time keeps its own time, here we stand at beginning..." Although I believe I won't be gone by Sunday or October 21, 2011 due to a Rapture, for those whose boat it floats, I would much prefer such talk weren't so absorbed in detached fatalism about the world. Spaceships and flying in the sky are great but feet, way more neat. I only throw my hands up on the dance floor baby.

And I, I, I can't dream for us all, I hope I'm in a better state when here and now begins the fall...

10 Minute High

2011-01-04T11:17:00.001-05:00

So uh, hey. I don't have any apologies or excuses, I didn't write because I didn't quite have it in me. I'm looking at a bunch of started entries with scattered phrases and thoughts here and there and decided maybe I should put less effort into crafting these and just let the words flow.

What have I been doing? Let's see, same old same, meandering and strutting about. It's been time for a slight style change so I cut my hair and am wearing it straight now instead of the curly fros. I'll see how long I feel like keeping this up. Oh yeah, I have two guitars now. Bought an electric and my uncle gave me a 12-string acoustic. Have been practicing of course but didn't realize I'd have to keep cutting my nails so often! Also trying to teach myself Spanish fun, fun, fun. Oh yeah, of course I started work and it's going swell. It's interesting to say the least, and I'm glad to see so many people and initiatives dedicated to improving conditions for ex-offenders. Hopefully it gets coordinated appropriately.

Now for the more interesting stuff. So I finally quit smoking, I'm three days in and experiencing withdrawal like no other. It's weird because I definitely: a) did not consider myself addicted and b) did not know there would legit be withdrawal symptoms besides cravings. I have had a consistent case of nausea (and I know I ain't pregnant lol) and fidgety hands. My jaw trembles and when I walk outside I get THE most intense craving for a smoke. It sucks seeing so many people around me smoke too, but honestly I'd rather have my health than the temporary satisfaction that comes with those cigarettes. I didn't really want to quit at first but I know it's something I absolutely need to do. Cancer in the family, all kinds of legit reasons to not touch that garbage.

In that vein, there are a number of things I've decided to take some steps back from. I don't want to write them out because I'm half-afraid that putting it into the atmosphere will set me up to fail. Certain bad habits and slight fixations that I need to stop indulging before they etch themselves any further into my memory and routines.

I picked Ten Minute High by Groove Theory to symbolize a lot of things in my life that bring temporary pleasure but at the end of the day may not be worth it, or even harmful to me. She's talking about a young girl addicted to drugs but really it's not too different. We all have our addictions, but we like to discern between acceptable and condemnable vices. Ah well. One day at a time. Happy New Year, by the way.

But first she buys her ten minute high, just for a little while, she's queen of all the skies...

Jesus Children of America

2010-09-09T12:35:00.001-04:00

The following is a letter dedicated to my best friend, VHB:

Hello Jesus, Jesus children, Jesus loves you, Jesus children, hello children Jesus loves you of America. I hope you are well, my very very dear friend. I have been thinking about you constantly, hoping and praying that life is finding you with a brighter smile each day. Over the years, we've seen each other and/or talked briefly but a few times and yet I always know there's still that connection there where we can pick up right where we left off. You don't have to change for me, I love you just the way you are.

I still remember so vividly all the time we used to spend together in the library or on Ohrstrom Lawn, or breaking intervis (lol) and just waxing poetic dreaming about a day we'll be freed from these chains. But memories don't live like people do, Travelin' Man and we're always on our divergent paths to enlightenment and inner peace. Godspeed. The shackles have gotten heavier and the loads haven't been light for you me or B but you know we've (always) got each other. You especially, locked in your tower of deep thought and isolation. If we could build a ladder that tall to come up and see you we would, cuz we down here, and we miss you.

Since you've been "away," I've been on a pseudo-quest in solitude to figure out things about myself. I went back to school in January, finished up and now I'm pursuing an opportunity with Americorps to work with female ex-offenders. I've probably only mentioned some of the other things I've done in relation to working with offender programs but I've been interested in this kind of stuff since first taking a class at school called Youth Voices on Lockdown. I also was a research assistant for a professor at Kean University, helping her teach community mental health to inmates. I think stuff like that is significant- I've always been interested in sort of social work, or rather, legal work with a social aspect. Cuz people make the world go round.

And over time I've been meditating and contemplating. To think about all the pain and anguish I've witnessed, over life, over love, over family, it's truly been cathartic for me to reach the space I'm in now. I may not have achieved absolute peace but I feel pretty damn close. Or it could be a vision in my mind. Either way, if there's a cure for this, I don't want it. I've learned to live and laugh in much healthier and more genuine ways. I've freed my mind and my ass is following.

And of course you know the elephant in the room. Him. Well, we finally ended things in '08 and kinda didn't really talk when I was going through all my madness in 09, but it was hard. I kind of secluded myself since, well you know I'm a recovering undercover overlover. But of course I picked back up and carried on, entertaining dalliances with this one and that. It's been fun and I can't complain. It feels good to be taking things slow and really seeing what's out there. We're still pretty tight and you know his deal with everything, with his wandering and meandering about to find himself. It's funny how time flies and whatnot, but things change and we're just ordinary people. Just because I love you, and you love me, that don't mean we're in love.

Speaking of which, I still keep in contact with ol boy I was seeing while at SPS. He's um, on some next shit. Just welcomed his first child (a little girl) into the world last week and hit me up seriously asking me to have his baby, because he wants a son, she doesn't want two children and I'm the only one he trusts to have his kid. Ugh. Now I'm cringing my face typing this to you but you already know that bullshit's for the birds.

Those two whatevers aside, I have been dating and meeting people but not really feeling anyone. Until now, surprisingly. I met a guy last month in the last place I would ever dare to give my number out but hey, there's a first time for everything right? We've been hanging out and taking things slowly but I definitely see something blossoming with this one. We went out to see Fela! (amazing, btw) and have ad some other amazing dates. But I feel really at ease with him and he's black maybe or maybe this is just your color for today. To me he seems kind of blue after we've talked about our past lives and experiences but he isn't bitter or jaded. We spend hours just talking and floating on the silence that surrounds us. It feels great, and you know I'm slow to jump into things but I like where this is heading. Our time together reminds me of how I felt when I first met B and Troy, but different enough that I don't think about them. He's kind of pushing for a relationship but I think it's too soon...this time I just want to take things slowly.

So, after much ado about nothing, I just write to say I'm feeling good, feeling great, how are you? Btw, (random) I want to get an electric guitar. You know I'm always singing and I was good at the violin so I don't think it'd be a stretch. I'm also looking into taking art classes. Are you still painting and drawing? You've inspired me to try my hand at it again even though I suck haha. But anyways, there's much more to tell you about and I anxiously await your response. You got the digits shawty.

Transcendental meditation gives you peace of mind...

Be Thankful for What You've Got

2010-09-04T00:21:00.002-04:00

Hey y'all...I know too little too late, I went and neglected ya again. Forgive me love? I promise, scout's honor I won't leave you for this long again. I've been tripping around the town with some fancy clown but I'm here. And so it goes...

Since we last spoke, I've had some great times with some old and new friends. But first let me update on some family stuff. I attended my cousin's funeral and although it was a somber occasion I got to see a lot of folks I hadn't in a while. My other cousin who I visited in the hospital has since gotten out and is now attending rehabilitation to walk again and such. He and his family are picking up the pieces and I thank God every day that even though what happened is fucked up, he's lived to see more days and spend his time with loved ones and continue on. I also have an aunt who suddenly died of a heart attack about three weeks ago, she was 78. I went to the wake/funeral and saw old family and the service was uplifting. I didn't go to the burial/repast though, I was pretty drained and I had had enough. RIP Aunt Ernestine, we'll miss you dearly.

I DO have some good news, of course. My best friend who I've written about in the past, just welcomed a beautiful baby girl into the world on August 12. I hadn't seen her in months (since November), but we finally had a chance to get up and I hung out with her and her family. My godson is getting big, walking and says "Da da?" all the time. All the youngins in my family are taking their firsts too. I've become obsessed with this video of my baby cousin Chane walking. RIP to my thug exterior.

And oddly enough, mad folks have been hitting me up to hang out who I haven't seen in ages. My good buddy Vince came out for Bri's bday as a surprise and my punkass damn near cried, it's been so long! He has yet to come back though but he should be returning to school soon. I'm drafting a thoughtful email to him that I may include as my next post. Eric, Darius and Sol are doing well, and so are Lea, Tydera and Afi, who I hope to be visiting in Vegas soon! I'm glad I can honestly say I'm really at peace with the way things are going right now. It feels good to have so many loved ones you can rely on and who think of you and make sure they see you at some point, even when life carries you off to different paths.

Of course music and the arts have been a heavy part of my summer! I've seen Sweet Fix, Me'shell Ndegeocello (a genius), Gil Scot-Heron (you already know), Hercules and Love Affair, Pete Rock, and countless other acts and performances I couldn't name if I tried. Oh yeah, Fela! is AMAZING. The singing and dancing had me floored, and I couldn't have picked a better person to see it with. Hats off to you, kind sir. Another tidbit: I went back to my old radio show and it was as always good times with Willie. It's a funk and soul show, where they always play absolute piff. I got put on to some more songs and am now checking for Syreeta Wright, Stevie's wife who I didn't even know sang! But you know I'm a stan for him so wherever heeee goes, I goooo [/ParisTokyo]. Oh yeah, I went to the MJ Birthday party in Prospect Park and you know it was dope! RIP and we'll miss you always.

So, a few family reunions, friend re-connections, funerals and (alcohol-complemented ;) field trips later, I'm still taking it all in stride. As I type this I'm also writing an essay for Americorps to work for this program offered through the Attorney General's Office working with ex-offenders. I'm also considering my options on teaching and some programs, but it will depend on how things play out with this social/legal work I'm trying to get into. It feels weird as hell to not be going back to school but I'm gonna continue with my reading. Currently I'm peeping Woodson's Miseducation of the Negro and I have Walter Rodney's How Europe Underdeveloped Africa and Stokely Carmichael's biography on deck. I won't bore you with my reading list but there's plenty more where that came from. Of course I'm open to some suggestions, esp on the philosophical tip. Otherwise, some miscellaneous goals I have are to continue to lose weight, keep reading and writing, figure things out and be healthy and happy. But I'm still thankful, hence the title and video. I have another post coming soon but I have some things to get to first. Farewell summer, it's been swell!

And with that, I leave you to enjoy Mr. DeVaughn's musical stylings:

Diamond in the back, sun rooftop, diggin the scene with a gangsta lean ooh-ooooh.....

Off the Wall

2010-06-27T00:15:00.000-04:00

Bonjour, comment ca va? I know I have been absolutely GHOST but I've been on a goddamn mission to get my shit together and graduate, which I DID! Hollerrrrrrrrr lol. It's been a long ass road and took a lot but I did it behbeh...now of course on to the next one (law school) but I've been taking it easy. Surprisingly I've gotten a lot of feedback for this blog and heads want me to keep the puters puting. Even though you bitches don't comment lol! But I digress.

So I've been meandering about Newark and Manhattan (my one true love) and it's been a merry-go-round of madness. I don't even wanna drop how much dough I've blown on partying but trust me it's been well worth it. And I deserve it, at least for a little while. I know college isn't really a big deal, you're supposed to graduate but hell if I described all the shit I've been through at Columbia trust and believe you'd be pouring liquor down my throat, haha. All my other friends have! Btw, I'm totally becoming an alchy. I drink more calories than I eat, and I'm loving every second of it! Tonight's my first night "in" in months but I've been out all day/evening and have to wake up early but it's all good. Charge it to the game.

Have I applied for jobs? Nope, and I'm not really going to. I don't want to work just to make money, so I'm kinda pursuing programs aimed at making an impact in my community and shit. I've been looking into programs working with offenders transitioning back into society and all that good stuff. Or I just may go work with a District Attorney's office. We'll see how that goes.

In all seriousness, a lot has gone down over the past few months. Old flames re-entering my life, new ones petering out (my attachment issues), and a host of family drama. As you all know, the king MJ died a year ago yesterday. It's still hard to believe he's gone. And to add insult to injury, two of my cousins were just shot on Monday. Muham died (RIP my heart), and Theo is in the hospital fucked up- they had to remove his spleen, kidneys and intestine because the bullet fucked shit up in there. I've been kind of ambivalent about it because it's been cathartic. So many people have died on me over all these years and I've always been away from home so I've been removed from it. And I went to his funeral and burial yesterday but I'm still numb. I cried and listened to my music for awhile and got up and went out. I guess I dance (and drink) to shake off the pain.

Which brings me to the title of this post. MJ's Off The Wall has pretty much been my mantra for a minute now. I'm sure all my real soul heads are familiar with the cut, but when the world is on your shoulder, gotta straighten up your act and boogie down, if you can't hang with the feeling, then there ain't no room for you in this part of town...life ain't so bad at all, if you live it off the wall....

And on that note, I'm going to bed before 3 am for the first time in forever. I'mma just let the record play til I drop off to sleep. I promise I will update this blog waay more frequently than six months from now, lol. TBH I have trouble coming up with topics and I'm not self-absorbed enough to just talk about myself on here. But for now I bid you adieu and welcome back Kotter!

Sally

2009-12-20T23:37:00.002-05:00

Greetings again...this post is meant to address a few of the things I've been witness to in relation to some currrent events and attractions out this season. Particularly some of those salient to my identity as a young black woman. I don't play the rank-my-oppression game, so I won't go there about who's got it harder of the races or genders. I know how to speak for myself as a young black woman, and that's it. Take it or leave it.

A few weeks ago, I went to see Precious with my aunt and cousin. It's based on the novel Push, which I have yet to read but not having done so doesn't detract from general things I gathered from the film and what it touched on. Let me preface this with the fact that there are quite a few glaring errors with the movie and if the book reads like it, that too. For one, it was a very oversimplified and near-caricatured tale of a dysfunctional black family addled in poverty and malintent. Many people have objected to the characterization of pretty much the only black male in the film as a rapist, Precious' colorism as expessed by her desires to escape her troubles with a lightskinned man, and the heroines in the movie ultimately being someone who doesn't really identify with her, two lighter/fairer-skinned saviors who don't live in the hood, they just administer services to its subjects, et cetera. There's a myriad of other valid criticisms that could be heaped upon the film but that's for another place and another time. To be fair though, I've linked to Ishmael Reed's The Selling of Precious- read and make of it what you will.

For starters, Precious was a 16-year old high school dropout pregnant with her second child by her father, who raped her. She enrolls in an alternative school and through a mix of encouragement and heartache, improves her literacy skills and gets assistance for her and her children to leave the grips of her abusive (sexually, emotionally, verbally, physically you name it) mother. Oh yeah- she also contracts AIDS.

Now here's the fucked up part. The most egregious details of her life aside, Precious' tale is not an isolated one, nor is it just a cautionary or illusory view of what goes on "in the ghetto (Elvis voice)." I don't know the statistics but that incest and sexual abuse at the hands of a family member stuff hit home. It's happened in my family to people who mean a lot to me, and it's still something that's largely unresolved. I mean, I guess you pick up the pieces and hope it doesn't fuck up your relationships with men for the rest of your life. But it's not okay. I think that we as young black women are indoctrinated to submit our bodies to black men, lest we be alone, too rebellious/sassy or whatever the term-du-jour is for a black girl who can't get in line and know her place. The most prevalent images in the media display physical assets of black women and not much else. And when a black man (esp famous) gets jammed up for fucking with a young girl, many, especially black women are quick to say the chick "had an agenda," "knew what she was doing," etc. Golddigging knows no age group, but people act as though the older person isn't culpable. Like with R. Kelly. And oh yeah, fuck Roman Polansky and Woody Allen too. It's sickening.

I think the saddest part of that was her mother, who began to resent her for "stealing her man." In an emotional scene with Mariah Carey (who looks like SHIT without makeup) as her social worker, she breaks down about how she continued to produce milk from her breasts because her man was still sucking on them and how she was afraid she would have noone to love her if she didn't let him rape her child. I mean, I could go on about the movie but that isn't the point. The glaring lesson is the prevalence of women putting men and themselves before their children. My mother and I had a very tenuous relationship because she chose to chase after men rather than be there for me and my sister. Not that she was promiscuous or anything, but she didn't know when to let go. To be frank, I think I inherited some of that spirit, in some of the things I allow when it comes to people I deal with. Right now I'm single and I plan to stay that way, because I have no time for anyone's games or drama. I'm not jaded or embittered agaisnt men, I just have a lot of goals and plan on moving around so there's no real point to getting into anything serious. I know too many women who've given up on their dreams and goals to be there for some man and wind up having his kids and all that. Everybody gets it how they live but I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve, which is everything I want.

Sade's Sally is a tale about a woman who saved quite a few young men from their sorry selves. Drug-addicted, lonely and broke, Sally took them all in. For the longest time I thought she was a prostitute but that isn't necessarily the case. In any case, that's how I look at all these women having babies by men who don't have a pot to piss in basically. Especially young women. Bill Cosby's at it again with his rant on black fathers who run out on their children. He makes valid points a lot of times, but it gets repetitive and counterproductive when all you do is admonish folks for their waywardness.

All in all, we could wax poetic all day about the ills of black people and how messed up a lot of us are. But to what end? Will we ever reach that glorious day where we can just breathe a sigh of relief and say we made it to equality? I'm not even fantasizing about a mystical land where every black person gets an education and becomes doctors, lawyers, etc. I just want there to come a time where there's more balanced images of us, clothed, famous for more than throwing, catching or bouncing a ball, or rhyming over beats. And where one or more of us acting like jackasses doesn't become a mirror or microscope for all of us. But until then...She's doing our dirty work, she's the only one who cared...

When Am I Gonna Make a Living

2009-12-19T03:24:00.000-05:00

Hey hey, it's me again. I know I'm practically a stranger around these parts and for that I'm truly sorry. I can't say I've been too busy, I just haven't exactly been motivated to write I suppose. I haven't been slacking though. In fact, ya girl's been up to a few lil things here and there. For starters, I've been working as a research assistant for a professor at Kean University, and interning at the Brooklyn DA's office screening cases and charging defendants with crimes. Funfun. Both of those are over and now I'm chilling on this miniscule bit of money I have til the New Year. Bills are foaming out my behind and just piling up, unfortunately.Hence the title of this blog post. It's a Sade song where she goes, "We are hungry but we won't give in..." that's basically how I feel, gotta keep grinding. I'm typing this and jamming to Diamond Life about to get on my job search.

So long story short, it's crunch time- countdown til I go back to Columbia. This year flew. No, it ripped a new hole in the space-time continuum. I can't believe it's been that long. Damn! Well, I have my meeting to go back on Monday so if all goes well, your girl will be en route to getting that Bachelor's! Not that I wasn't before, but I'm officially about my business and taking no shorts. On anything. I'm getting on tis diet, to get my weight back in check, eating better and exercising again, forreal forreal.

Oh yeah. So your girl was asked to speak at a fundraiser on behalf of her old middle school, Link. I put it down and inserted some intelligent quotes and all that lol, got a standing o. My Dad, Briana and Tydera were there. It meant a lot to be asked and able to share my own experiences with people who've helped contribute to my education. They raised over $700K that night! That's what's up.

This isn't gonna be long, I've kinda laid low on the going-out circuit because let's face it- being fly and fabulous costs money. I just got home from a Christmas party with my aunts, it was fun. I danced a little bit and had some good food. Oh btw, I quit drinking til Spring Break next year. We're going to Miami, LA and Vegas. Absolutely ridiculous, to say the least. Let's get it! New years are always a good time to get refreshed and reinvigorated, ya know? Trust and believe though I'll be writing much more. Materoffact I got one more for your ass tonight. Shall I proceed? (Yes indeed!)

Make the Road By Walking

2009-10-28T01:32:00.011-04:00

Heyyyyyyyyyy...long time no talk, I know. I'm trifling. After promising a post a week I dip off the face of the Earth. I didn't make one single post in September- but of course, I was up to a lot. Of doing. And partying. And thinking. And talking.

So let's backtrack. Last time I checked in, I wrote a little ditty that had been floating through my mind, meh...whatever. And before that I recounted two strange dreams I had. At the time I was visiting my godmother in upstate NY, whom I hadn't seen in years. It was great and all to see her so happy with her life and family.

One of my best friends welcomed a beautiful baby boy into this world this past June. I am his godmother, and I see him about twice a month or so. This past weekend, I spent time with her and and her family for a couple of days. And she babysat a lot of fucking kids. Basically the only time I'm around that many children is Christmastime. And seriously, I don't think I could take more than evenly distributed holidays. But she loves it. She's always been a family-oriented kind of girl (woman) and I knew she would be one of the first of my friends to have a family. But definitely not this soon.

I remember one cold day last December when we met up after not having seen each other in a really long time to catch an indie flick. She blurted out to me that she was pregnant. At first I thought she was joking. And then I wanted to kick her ass. Like, I really did. I was pretty shocked and confused as to how the hell something so big could have happened to her. during the movie I was tearing up just thinking about everything we'd been through together at that tiny little school in hellish New Hampshire. How we'd hitchhiked when a Greyhound bus left us in Connecticut, how she had to leave school for a year over a disciplinary decision, and now this. It still hadn't really hit me until this weekend that this is really here.

We started talking and I told her straight-up that I kind of wished she had waited. I mean, the pregnancy wasn't planned and she said she used a condom, but that she'd never get an abortion. She also told her boyfriend when they first started dating that she intended to get married, and was tired of just dating around. I always thought that was a bit odd since she's only 22, but she's always been level-headed and took care of herself so it didn't really bother me. Sh was still in school and almst done. I had no qualms about her being able to care for a child, I just didn't know if itwas right for her at this point in time. She admitted she wanted to have waited too, but then she was afraid that if she were to go ahead and abort the child that God may not bless her with another. She also had a strong support system of family and her husband was right there by her side. Now he's here, and they're doing fine. Life really is what happens when you're making other plans.

My uncle and his wife just welcomed their first son into the world as well. But he's 35. I'm excited for them and wish them the best of luck. I was very shocked when I found out, but he's grown, and he's lived his life so it's high time he settled down anyway. And my cousin and his fiancee are about to have their third child in December. And it's made me think long and hard about my future. Do I want a family? When?

One of the biggest fears I have for young parents, my friend included, is that one day they'll wake up and not want it anymore. That one day at 35, they'll sit back and think on things they've missed out on because of having responsibilities so large. Worst case scenario, they may do something crazy to the kids, like pull an Andrea Yates, or like that woman who threw her children over an overpass. Or just leave and create a broken home. My friend says that she's happy and doesn't feel like she's missing out on anything, but this is all so new that it's hard to guage the veracity of her sentiment. She told me in the car that during her pregnancy she was becoming depressed, and didn't know what to do with herself. That was really the first time we had talked about it, and I was shocked. It shouldn't have been as much of a surpise as it was, but I guess I've never personally known anyone who confessed to having negative feelings during such a momentous period of life. I'm very grateful she pulled through and is at peace.

And then there are the others. Every month or so, I check my facebook only to find that more classmates of mine are with child and/or pregnant. And didn't finish school. It's sad, and I hope I don't sound judgmental. I just remember how much my mom struggled with me and my sister, and how everyone I know who had kids at a young age pretty much struggled through it, especially without a father figure. It's heartbreaking.

I yearn to be free of attachments. I live my life in a way such that I do what I can to accomodate people I love, but I don't owe anyone. And I think at a young age, it's okay to be that way. To be selfish and live with (pseudo-) reckless abandon, being accountable to no one but your damn self, is a pretty okay way to lead your life. I want, in the winter years of my life, to look back on all the encounters I've had, and for the drunken nights, bar fights, girls' nights-out, girls' nights-in, deep conversations and life changing moments to resonate with me in a way such that they've enhanced the quality of my life and my decisions with each step I take. And create some good ass memories. So far so good.

I titled this post Make the Road By Walking because that's basically how we all live. It's a great song by the Menahan Street Band, you might recognize it as the song Jigga sampled for Roc Boys (And the Winner Is...). But anyways, I figure as the title suggests, you make forays into the world and life by putting one foot in front of the other. Trip, fall, or take another step, we all have to keep going at some point. I've been doing a little two-stepping down my own road.

Love, sex, and magic

2009-08-03T06:41:00.002-04:00

I was conceived of a young pair of statistics
A he never woulda made it and
A least she almost graduated
Who came together (get it?) And coagulated
Under a hot summer sun

Was it all the shit
That folks who were gettin it
Said there was to hitting it?
Ill never ask but I wonder
Did mommas thighs roll with thunder like mine?
Did a cool summer breeze send chills up her spine?

Or was it just two niggas getting down in the sunshine?

Sweet Dreams

2009-08-02T14:11:00.009-04:00

or a beautiful nightmare...either way I, don't wanna wake up from you (turn the lights on!)
Just some of the lines from one of the few Beyonce songs I can stand, which also serves as the title for my post. I've been meaning to comment on these dreams of mine, which have indeed been pretty sweet. Last night was no exception. I always dream I'm on top of the/my/your world in some way shape or form.

Dream Sequence 1: My mother and I are driving down a long winding road. For some odd reason, my mother's taking me to my best friend's house and we're arguing because I don't want to go. Fast forward to a nice friendly visit with old girl where for some strange reason she bakes a busload of cupcakes. (The dream about cupcakes came probably because I ODed on them at the Wight Foundation Alumni dinner yesterday, those shits were good lol) She entrusts some to my care and I walk outside only to remember I had forgotten my cell phone in her house. So I leave the cupcakes on the front porch and go back into her house. When I come back, cell phone in hand, my jaw stands agape at the sight...apparently someone was moving in and they decided to just smoosh the shit outta my cupcakes and they're smeared all over the front porch. I'm talking like a hundred cupcakes, easily.

So I furiously go to each of the movers until I find the head honcho who has the audacity to tell me in a thick Italian accent, "Yeah, I told em to move it... who the fwuck leaves cupcakes on a front porch?" He had me but he didn't have to be an asshole about it. So what does J do? J as in Javonni, not Jesus that is.

I kick him in the nuts. And not just once. I kick him repeatedly, again and again, over and over because he ruined my fucking cupcakes. The dream ends here but I thought that was pretty sweet. Oh yeah, somehow I get into trouble with a school principal over it and some other stuff but it doesn't really fit with my cupcake story so I'll scrap it.

Dream Sequence 2 (I'll keep it short and sweet): So I'm a senior in high school and I have an archenemy, some 11th grade chick who looks a lot like my pre-frosh host at Columbia. We'll call her Allison. Long story short, we have a battle of wits that culminates in her calling out of school sick because she has a bad case of diarrhea...or swine flu or whatever induced sitcom level laughter from me during public assembly. Add to the fact that it was announced to me by a midget with a voice like Gucci Mane's. And I get called to my Dean of Students' office to be questioned about Allison's alleged sickness. I am infamous for my smart mouth so believe me that was the gist of replies I gave her upon questioning. Fast forward to her giving up and saying "Well congratulations Javonni. You're a clever girl." Yeah, I know right! End dream.

I have no idea why, but my dreams keep taking me on loops back to my childhood and through adolescence, creating new moments and imagery unseen. Hopefully they'll get me on the path to writing some more poetry again. But see, didn't I promise I was gonna write more and more often? At least once a week, hopefully. Peace.

Visions

2009-07-31T22:37:00.004-04:00

I have trouble coming up with topics for this thing...hence the few and far between posts. But I'm getting better. I got the idea for this post while reflecting again on MJ's death. It was a convo I'd had a few years back with my ex actually. We were picking which of the greats we'd choose if we only had to live with one and the big question came up, whether I'd pick Stevie or Michael. Guess who I chose? Not Michael! That's a huge deal because I'm easily Mike's biggest fan but Stevie is criminally slept on. From Innervisions to Songs in the Key of Life, he easily has five classic albums under his belt to Michael's let's say 2 (Off the Wall and Thriller). ("Two of them shits was due," to quote Jay-Z.) No disrespect to the King of Pop, but I'm willing to bet money on that if Stevie weren't blind or somehow learned to throw a two-step and shuffle in his routine, he'd gross over $500 million too! I gotta see him in concert before he (or I) pass away, I just have to! I know they gonna be head-cracking for them tickets though.

But more about Stevie. I own 8 of his 20 some odd albums and I jam to em all the time...he is truly a master of the heartbreak, the joyful occasion and the rumblings of my political conscience. He makes me happy to be single and eager to be forlorn, awash in misery from a love unrequited by the now infamous ex I sorta pine over. Did I mention that it's difficult for me? He recently posted on his facebook that he's single and I'm sorta sad that his love didn't work out but even moreso, that I haven't found shit since him. I know it isn't always gonna be like this, but damn, when's it gonna be my turn to love again? But back to Stevie.

My favorite song of his has to be Visions. That has to be the sexiest bass line I've ever heard in my life, and the lyrics are on some phantasmagoric tip about equality and dreaming about the day we'll all be free. But what I'd like to know, is could a place like this exist so beautiful or do we have to take our wings and fly away, to the visions in our mind... his poetry makes me wanna write. Friends keep pressuring me to continue but I'm afraid, I think. I know there's a lot inside me and I think that getting it out is probably the best way to handle these emotions. who knows, maybe someday in the distant or not-so-distant future I'll look back on my notes, my blog and see the evolution. And how sick would it be if somehow, someway I became famous? I'll let you marinate on that one. Goodbye July, hello August! Til next time...

Everybody Loves the Sunshine

2009-07-19T23:41:00.007-04:00

"Mylifemylifemylifemylife in the sunshine...Everybody loves da sunshine...Niggas getting down in the sunshine"

Man what a week! The sun has been out and about on that permanent tip and I've been feeling absolutely LOVELY! I've been maxing and relaxing in the sunshine, all about town with Momma Judd who's still here. She has been for like a month now, and I must say it's been great working on our relationship. For those of you who know me (and those who don't), she and I were not on good terms, or even speaking terms for years prior to my breakdown (*see Black Girl Lost). It had gotten to the point where I told her I didn't want her to call me anymore or try to communicate with me in any shape or form. Trust, it had been the culmination of years of abuse of trust...like Jay-Z said in Allure "and the anger and the sorrow mixed up leads to mistrust now it gets tough to ever love again." She hurt me a lot over the years and to be honest it's something I'm still working out in therapy but I have to learn to live and let live. And let shit go.But on another note....

The highlight of my week had to have been the weekend. Whose isn't right? Friday I went to the internship, sat around and chilled on the net like I usually do and then went home to chill with my mother. We went over to NYC to meet up with an old college buddy of hers who has hella (three) kids. I basically babysat them in Toys R' Us and even went on the Ferris Wheel! shit was $4, dayummmmmmm! It was okay, J luh da kids so I got on it for them...

Then Saturday I woke up bright and early to get to walking. As I've stated numerous times, I'm trying to lose a ton of weight and I'm on the path to a proper diet and semi-intense exercise regimen. I went and got myself a cute little purple mani-pedi and bought a cute dress from Conway! Note to self: I need to go shopping so badly, but I need some money even more...my cashflow is seriously on th edecline and my credit card is maxed out so my going out will consist of free shit for the rest of the summer.

Speaking of which, my main event this Saturday was a concert with Benji B, Chester French and my husband Q-Tip!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Yes, that's right, Q-Tip! To say it was beyond the shit is an understatement. He sang all the classics and a couple joints off his new album The Renaissance and of course ya girl was hollering and dancing like a fool! I have a sore throat now I was so psyched...and I got some pics on my camera phone. Chester French was cool, yet another Ivy League band tryna make it in the music biz! Then later I met up with my homegirl Lea and we went out to eat and to an associate of mine's bday party at Club Element! I was looking fly, I must say. But seriously, I had a great weekend. I closed it out with a visit to my Auntie Monterique's house to get some of her banging baked chicken and rice, now I'm winding down with this blogpost. Good night all!

Gone Too Soon

2009-06-26T22:23:00.005-04:00

Like a comet
Blazing cross the evening sky
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An EyeGone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse,
To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon
Gone Too Soon

Just the lyrics from one of my favorite MJ songs, Gone too soon. He sings it like he's describing himself, and per Lisa Marie's report he knew he would be gone too soon like the song goes. Usher covered this at the Memorial and did a wonderful job, I'm glad to see all those artists who came out to commemorate such an untimely and unfortunate passing.

So all day I've been bumping my entire collection, and it's getting me misty-eyed. I can't believe this man is gone. He got me through a lot of my lows, and a lot of my highs. Just Off the Wall alone gives me chills when I listen. I'm also watching the memorial tribute and it's heartbreaking. They're going through all his songs and John Mayer did a fan-fucking-tastic rendition of Human Nature on his guitar. I'm in awe at the sheer starpower of MJJ. I knew he was big, but Jesus Joseph and Mary are out to see him. And he has a gold-plated closed casket, which I presume is because of his Muslim faith. And his brothers are all wearing star-studded gloves, that's so special. And his children, oh Lord, his children are so precious! When Paris spoke I was about to cry, which surprisingly, I haven't done throughout this whole debacle.

I'm kind of rambling now so I'll close with a final note about the majesty and grace Michael Joseph Jackson brought to all those who loved and adored him. He is a singer's singer, an entertainer's entertainer, and an icon's icon. Rest in peace my love.

Black Girl Lost

2009-06-21T03:37:00.014-04:00

So my mom's back in town and we had a quasi-long conversation about my partying habits. I'm no stranger to breaking day and I'm no stranger to hearing birds chirp and seeing the morning commuters while I'm on my way home. But that ain't all she was bitching about. I smoke cigarettes (oohlala) about once a week, if that. And I drink (and mix drinks) at about the same frequency. No weed or other hard drugs. But here's the thing: Iain'tsupposedta! Given that I'm on anti-psychotic meds (that make me gain weight the little fuckers), my psychiatrist, therapist, family (but not my friends who count the most lol) strongly advise against mixing it with alcohol. Damnit, I already have to deal with this illness (bi-polar) and you mean to tell me I have to give up my love affair with alcohol? Hell to the naw!

But anyways Momma Judd repeats that she doesn't like that in my grownassness I've "become mesmerized" (her words, not mine) by the party life. Man, whatever. I felt like one of those Maury teens the way she was addressing my "lifestyle choices." I ain't outta control. I'm just enjoying the fruits of my labor. But then she dropped the bomb on me,r eminding me that I haven't finished school yet. Fuck. She's right. But here's the thing. I'll finally break down what happened to me and clear up the miscellaneous hints I've been dropping throughout these posts as to the state of my health.

Flashback to December 2008, around finals time. I took off work to prepare for finals cuz I knew they were gonna bust my ass. I was also doing the mostest for the Black Theater Ensemble's (I'm kinda one of those chicks who does everything you can name as far as extracurriculars go) Fall Production of Chuck Mee's Trojan Women 2.0. I was grinding and gearing up for my exams hardbody. No sleep, rocking the same clothes for a week straight, staying up for thirty hours and walking right to my exams, writing papers, steady in the library and drinking Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Lattes (gentrification's favorite brew) , the whole nine. But just one problem: there were two papers I had to get around to writing, that I've mentioned miscellaneously in my last post. One ten-page and a fifteen page for my two philosophy classes. As hard as I tried, I just couldn't get them out. It was so bad to the point that I missed the deadline for the end of finals week. I rushed to the Dean of Students office and basically lied my ass off. I hit em with the ol' Grandpa just died line. The grandpa whose death didn't really affect me cuz I hadn't sen him in about ten years! And oh yeah- too bad he died in April. I hope God ain't mad at me for whipping that one out. But I digress.

So the Dean tells me to go seek assistance from the Office of Counseling and Psychological Services, I guess that's the go-to center when lies like mine are the case for students. Then he explained to me their policy on Incompletes, which basically meant if my professors would allow, I could possibly get extra time on my papers. I was gonna write the letter and follow his advice to seek professional help...sorta. I went back to work, going full-speed at 35 hours a week until one day I lost it. I started dressing erratically, my hair was all over the place. At work, my phone rang twice from a number I didn't know and it turned out to be from my Commissioner's office (I worked for a City Agency). Waht the hell? Anyways, the project I was working on was defeating me and I was so confused as to how to proceed, when all of a sudden I just started crying. The tears though had nothing to do with the project! I have no idea why I started crying, I just did. Soo I went home. That next day I was supposed to meet up with my cousin to go to our aunt's house. Totally forgot until she reminded me. It took forever to get over to Jersey. I was so disoriented, getting off at the wrong train stops and going back uptown by accident, I literally took an extra hour to get to where she was. Black Girl Lost indeed. And on top of that I was waaay inappropriately dressed. It was a really snowy day and I had on a trench coat and some ballet flats, no hat or scarf or anything. My cousin was surprised at how out of it I was.

So we get to my aunt's house and I can't stop talking. We're sitting and joking around and long story short, she tells me to get help too. Just because she knows as a family we've been through a lot and that I've been under a lot of pressure to succeed for all these years. I went home that night and wound up not sleeping. did I mention that even when finals were over it was hard for me to get sleep? I wouldn't close my eyes til 7 am, when I had to get up to go to work anyway! All night and day I was crying and talking to myself and it was like a stream of cliches came down on me and started making sense. I literally had the sense that I was having epiphanies, one after another. I also was having pulsations go through my body and couldn't eat or sleep. The last time I'd looked at the clock it read 2:35 pm. I called my ex and told him to come over. He said he'd be there when he got off work.

Time seemed to drag on forever and I called him again, this time sounding more frantic. He noted the alarm in my voice and (I presume) hurried as fast as he could to come over. He noticed that something wasn't right with me and was wondering why I couldn't eat anything. Then when he saw I wouldn't stop talking he grabbed my hand and walked me to the hospital. I really lost it then and basically started cursing up a storm. Long story short, they asked me if I had been using any drugs and immediately admitted me.

I don't remember much from the next few days, but I remember being transported in an ambulance, and being told to lie down in a bed in a strange room where they were bringing in someone I didn't know. I refused and so they put me in a room with a mattress on the floor. Clutching my shoes and a water jug, I went to sleep. Not before hearing loud yells and some chick screaming something about murderers and to get away from her.

When I came to my senses the next morning, I had come to discover that I was in the psych ward at Saint Luke's hospital. Bam! I was diagnosed as possibly being bi-polar. I had been admitted because they thought I had had what was called a manic episode. All the things leading up to that day had been a build-up to the snap, and those electric-like pulses I distinctly remember feeling were part of the DSM's description of feeling like I have superpowers. I'll get into that more in another post. But there you have it.

So I took a break from school to adjust to these meds and regain my composure.

House of Cards

2009-05-27T23:28:00.004-04:00

I had a wonderful conversation with one of my best friends today. We updated each other on life statuses and when we hung up I got to thinking. Heavily.

Right now, we're all going through things in our life ranging from loneliness (and horniness lol) to defeatism. The craziest thing is that in our respective capacities we're creative, lively and talented as hell. It's just that we're at the age now where we're losing our ambition, already at the tender, ripe age of 21. Real talk, my friend is experiencing crippling depression and he says it's hard for him to get out of bed in the morning. I have my days but it's always important for me to remember how blessed and thankful I am. With what's been going on with me for the past six months, it could be worse. I have to keep drilling that into my head or else I'd lose it.

For me, school has kind of led me to a catharsis. As much as I love all the books and knowledge I've been exposed to, I'm so fucking tired of it. Right now I'm staring in the face of these two papers I have to write and I'm steadily asking God why all this has happened to me. Was my breakdown a long time coming or did I accelerate to a pace even I couldn't keep up with?

The title of this post is fron a song by Foreign Exchange (Phonte and Nicolay), the chorus goes your house of cards is gonna fall. Have I wasted my brains and energy on a house of cards? Six months back we finally said bye to a tumultuous relationship, school and some friends owing to my mental health issues. I had to fallback on a lot of stuff and now I'm at a crossroads on where to go.

My frustrations are primarily around losing weight on this damn medication, finding a job that pays decent, and (maybe) finding a new beau. I've been wondering if I'm interested in women at all and I'm starting to think that I may be. Of course, my family will hear nothing about this because I still mostly prefer men. I'm just tired of the drama that comes with dating anyways.

2009-05-09T22:37:00.008-04:00

So I turned 21 this past Saturday, and we decided to club it up @ Body. Above's a pic of me and a couple of my girls (bestie Briana in the yellow in the first pic)
, and on the right is Erika terrified by one of the dudes who started dancing with us! This picture is fucking hilarious! There's always some random cats who get their kicks by backing it up on us in the club when we go out and this one scared the shit out of my girl Erika!

And to cap off the night, I got a little too drunk and here was the result:...Needless to say, funtimes were had by all! Even my friends taking care of my *coughcoughdrunkeventhoughIwasn'tsupposedtodrinkasscoughcough*! Aah I love my life

So anyways...besides passing out in Penn Station I spend time pondering some of life's greatest mysteries. What does all this shit mean anyway?

Let me explain myself. I'm on an interlude from school after a whirlwind of life lessons and (unfortunately) hospital visits. So until January of 2010 I'll be meandering about life to get myself together and whatnot. The ruminations in this blog reflect the innerworkings of a girlturningintoawoman, constantly adapting and forming into a mold of what I wanna be. I have dreams ya know? To do everything, everywhere and in every way. But for now I'll settle for getting lost in my thoughts and living for the present.

Too High

2009-04-28T22:01:00.000-04:00

Runaway

I was born a man
Absconded to a land
Where only my master’s hand
Could control the Furies at my command.

Cordoned off from my herd
I found some better sheep
Who would try anything once, twice,
Thrice when those deep cuts
Didn’t help with the sleep.

There I learned to lie
Hurryupandbuy
Whatever it was that makes you so high.
Can I try?

And with you stuck on the thighs
I recited some lies
In between sighs
That I learned long ago
Back in colder, older, bolder days surrounded by snow

But have you looked into my eyes?
My dilated peoples, they recognize.

I reposted this from my Facebook notes to share a bit about who I am and where I'm from. This is a summation of my experience at boarding school in Concord, NH. To be brief it was a fantasy world rife with pains and pressures of being a young girl from Brick City being exposed to levels of wealth and opportunity and classism usually reserved for the adult world. That culture shock shit if you will. My life story will unravel more as I post more of my artistic side. Enjoy!

Innervisions

2009-04-28T00:29:00.000-04:00

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." -some random cliche I thought would fit my opening up to the world about me.

Here I take the deep plunge into the abyss that is the blogosphere. Welcome to my little corner! I have no idea how to intro this but I'll start with some details about myself: My name for now is J Shante and I'm a student taking a year off to figure out my life and deal with some mental health issues. In four words, I'm honest as fuck. With that in mind, read at your own risk. It'll be a ride.

I've got Dwele's Twuneanunda (20 and under) on repeat right now to commemorate my last few days of being 20. All the missed parties and embarassing liquor store moments will be at an end come this Saturday!

Last note, I'm a music head and love all kinds. I'm also always dropping random song lyrics in my conversation so any Stevie fans out there might see my blog is a play off his Music of My Mind album title and this blog post is named after my favorite album, Innervisions! It's 12:40 and I'm watching an old episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force and the playoff game, Utah at the Lakers-shit this is nowhere near close! Alright, I gotta respond to Facebook messages now but look out for more to come soon!

Love peace and chicken grease,

J